Graduation, hu ah!

Knowing and Not Knowing the Future, oh yeah, Happy Graduation

repost: bobarino’s birthday wish

Sunshine moves forward
Peaceful Chakra and toe nails
Goodness floats, like years

Emotional Lightning Rod

People are known to harmonize themselves when spending a lot of time together. For instance, women will often start getting their period at the same times. One of the things I am reflecting upon after today’s shoot is what a ride it is to be a teenager. God Dam. It was interesting for me to live through such an emotionally turbulent day. I had forgotten what an exuberance kids have for pushing limits, whether it is their own or other people. Today I rode around with some of Patrick’s friends. It has been a long time since I have been with someone who drove fast as a way to find excitement, a rush.

There is a lot to think about, and talk about, but the thing that most affected me today was Patrick meeting with his mother. They had not seen each other in two years. Patrick’s mother left him and his father when he was about five or six. I was expecting intense emotions of love, “nachas”, as we say in my family. The feelings were intense, but mostly awkwardness. I sat there over stimulated by the uncertainness in the air. She gave him a quick hug when he walked in. Then Patrick, his mom, and grandmother all adjourned to their separate seats in different corners of the living room. They sat close enough to talk, but that’s it. At that moment she seemed more insecure in her relationship to him than myself. Pat kept telling his grandmother that he loved her. This was so painful. He never once did the same to his mom. It was like “see, this is what you should have been saying for the last 14 years. See, I don’t love you too!!” He was punishing her and asking for her love at the same time. And when Patrick would give his mom openings like “today was one of the best days I’ve had,” she sat there and stared at her food, almost ignoring him. I just wanted to leave the whole time. Then we all watched old home movies when life was perfect and no one was dead, and everyone seemed happy to forget about the present for a few minutes.

thinking of dad

love can’t be expressed on a post-it unless you’re a father
a father’s love extends to memory
memories that turn yellow paper into whispers
of support and tenderness

a father’s love
can turn an oversized, sweating, soggy, cardboard cup of soda from Wendy’s
into a sunny, spring saturday
sitting on a home team bench
waiting for little league to start, and playing catch in over grown, public grass

a father’s love turns a man into a boy
And grows a man from a boy

Stan’s Prophecy

It’s interesting what happens when you work on a photo story. I was speaking with Matt Eich last night about my photography project and we were talking about the relationships formed when working on something like this. For one, it is a particular kind of friendship that forms between a subject and photographer. We need them to trust us right, so that we can take intimate photographs of their lives, and also the moments that are not so intimate, that only mean something if you know what to look for. A lot of these patterns fall into the same psychological and social grooves of a new friend or girlfriend/boyfriend. Except you can’t (nor would you want to) be in any fights. The thing is, it is difficult to separate all the emotional baggage that usually comes with one of these relationships. You have to be “professional” and “objective” at the same time. Throw in the responsibility that you have to analyze, judge and photograph their life in a “pure/real” way without really talking to them about it.

To be honest, I am not sure I am comfortable with all this. This behavior, socially and psychologically, when you break it down resembles something like a casual sexual relationship. A guy or girl who only wants a short-term sexual relationship without the emotional baggage and definitely doesn’t have anything planned long term. OK, I am not having sex with my long-term doc subject. I am saying that I am not planning to maintain this intensity of relationship with him for very long, and that we are both using each other for whatever short-term purposes we have.

I mean, this is only for class, so it’s not like many people will see it. And yet, I want to tell his story, and I am sensitive to his life situation, and I have strong beliefs about the Iraq war and all these things. But you can’t only be the “good photographer” with pure intentions of only being a fly on the wall storyteller. If you are that cold of a person, I don’t see how you could do this job. You have to be analytical, sensitive, and emotional. You have to have feelings. But people are complicated, and so are emotions. I don’t see how you could do this kind of thing and not have this problem.

Kin

Passing Time and Guidance

Look around the room, Look around the room, we won’t stop till you look around the room!

I don’t know how to say the following with out sounding stupid, but who cares. What I learned the last two days, is that I don’t always have to have the person I am doing my photo story on in the picture. All right, big fucking deal, huh. I guess that never dawned on me, or maybe I have been so hell bent on “emotional content” that I have been forgetting to see what else is around and going on. Not that I actually shot like that, it’s just what I was thinking about before writing this.

The Drill vs Sugar Frosted Chocolate Bombs

Experience, I am finding, is one of the most significant aspects of learning for me. I have had many reminders of this for several weeks now.

The weakest part of my portfolio is that I do not have a photo story. I have been struggling with this for a long time. I am learning how to be a “story-teller,” but I do not have a “photo-story.” Yeah, I know. This is why my project for Documentary class has been a trip to the dentist’s office and the candy shop at the same time.

I have narrowed my story on young men in high school, who are already enlisted in the Army, down to one person. The most interesting thing about this process for me is how quickly it went from nothing to something. For weeks I could not get anyone to show up at pre-arranged meetings, or answer the phone. High school kids are tough. But with the development of a relationship I hope to gain “the Scout” effect – a.k.a. To Kill A Mockingbird. When you can walk around in someone else’s shoes, you give yourself the ability to open your eyes and heart to someone else’s reality. I am trying very hard to do this. And in that deep inhale of experience, hope to exhale something that everyone else can experience too, through your photography.

I am glad I stuck it out with my documentary project. I hope that the experience of seeing/hearing it when it’s done will be comparable for me, the person I am doing my story on, and everyone else.